If you’ve read any of my earlier posts you might have caught on to the fact that i struggled with anxiety and depression in my early high school years that has pretty much stayed with me until now, 19. One thing that i have never done is give up on the hope that anxiety/depression can be cured without medication and the belief that there is an underlying cause to all of it. So, that is what i wanted to write about today.
2017 has been a crazy year for me so far. I have grown up so much within the last couple of years and have really started to open my eyes. I have realized surrounding myself with people i can have fun and laugh with is more important than staying with people whom i was just with to feel “safe”. I have realized it is okay to argue with loved ones as long as you realize you’re doing it out of love and not hate. I have learned how important it is to take a leap of faith and pray to God that he is out there. I have realized that somehow all of this stuff related to my anxiety.
Not many people know that i was suicidal in high school. It is a topic I’m not really comfortable talking about because i never wanted to be judged or looked at as an attention seeker. However, i’ve come to realize how many people have felt this way and it is sad not many feel they can openly talk about it. Feeling like there is no out to how shitty you feel is a very real and painful thing to experience. Even worse, it’s often hard to get out of that mindset once you are there.
What I’m trying to get at is there is a way out. I know, because i have been there. I was too afraid to be myself; to leave certain things/people behind. I associated those things with the word “safe”, in reality those “safe” things were crushing me. Those “safe” things were keeping me in a never ending cycle of anxiety. I didn’t need anything or anyone to be there for me and i knew that. However, realizing that took me so long and having the courage to leave it all behind took even longer.
No matter what age you are, it is never too late to realize that life is supposed to be fun. Sitting in a room, clutching onto things you think will somehow “fix” you will do the exact opposite. Doing things that scare you to death are what make you grow and change as a person. You need to take leaps (sometimes what may feel huge) in order to change. Change is good, even though i tend to avoid it.
We all deserve that crazy fun laughing 24/7 kind of life. Now, i know that isn’t realistic, but it is something we should strive for. I still have my days where the thought of school, work, or even just seeing people makes me want to cry. Where bed seems like it is impossible to leave. I know that feeling–because i have been there and sometimes still go back there for a day. However, surrounding yourself with so much positivity and fun vibes makes everything different. Force yourself to do things, you won’t regret it. We shouldn’t have to hide our feelings of anxiety & depression because most people will experience it some way or another. It is how we deal with it that ultimately shapes our lives.
Just a random rant for everyone because i have been feeling so much better lately and just wanted to share that sometimes forcing yourself to do things can change your life for the better.